False Self-Awareness

“I attract every looser within 5 miles”. “I sound like a cat in heat when I sing.”  These are the little nuggets that most of us are aware of.  They’re the things we feel comfortable basing self-deprecating humor on. However, they don’t scratch the surface of impactful self-awareness.  In this post, we uncover:

1) What self-awareness is.

2) The problem with not being self-aware.

3) How to become more self-aware.

4) how you can use your self-awareness to create fulfillment in every aspect of your life.

What is Self-Awareness

The dictionary defines self-awareness as the conscious knowledge of one’s character, feelings, motives, and desires. The study of self-awareness traces to Shelley Duval and Robert Wicklund’s (1972) landmark theory. According to Duval and Wicklund, “when we focus our attention on ourselves, we evaluate and compare our current behavior, to our internal standards and values.”

Many experiments show that when people aren’t self-aware, their actions don’t match their standards and values.  (Having an affair, though you value trust and loyalty, for example).  Self-awareness is thus a necessity in bridging gaps between our actions and our standards and values. 

In situations where our actions don’t match our standards and values, we set the stage for false truths and self- limiting beliefs.  Both negatively impact self-awareness.

Self-awareness evolves with every experience and influences your daily interactions.

Emotional intelligence (being aware of, in control of, and expressing your emotions, and navigating interpersonal relationships thoughtfully), relies on self-awareness. 

Self-awareness continuously evolves as you encounter new people, places, ideas, and experiences. It’s fragile in the sense that every unique experience tests our self-awareness. Unlike the pass or fail standard of school, these tests always teach us something new about ourselves.

Self-awareness is your most valuable tool for success since you’re the most unique asset to yourself. Here’s a look at why you need to jump into your self-awareness journey now!

The Problem With Not Being Self-Aware Today

We often confuse what we enjoy watching others do, with what would fulfill us. The trickery of what appeals to the ego vs. what appeals to the soul is where self-awareness gets sticky.

There are so many influences, pulling us from one want, need and must-have, to another. When we’re not self-aware, we waste time, energy, and resources chasing the wrong goals.

Today, it’s not just interactions with friends, family, and coworkers, influencing our self-awareness. Social media scratches our voyeuristic itch. We invite others to share our most private moments.

Strangers on the other side of the Earth, leaving a comment (or an emoji), on our picture, penetrates our self-awareness deeply. Seemingly insignificant interactions cause ripple effects (or tsunamis), influencing our perceptions of ourselves.

It’s extremely easy for someone lacking self-awareness, to believe false truths, and self-limiting beliefs about themselves and their world. Low self-awareness, bites us in the ass, in every aspect of our life, in different ways.

If you believe that monogamy’s impossible, (false truth), you may think that you’ll never attract a faithful partner (self-limiting belief). This often results in acting out a self-limiting behavior (which can go a variety of ways). 

You can end up cheating on your partner, (since you expect they’re likely already doing it). Believing that relationships end in deception, you may decide to have flings (denying yourself the chance to create a genuine bond). 

You can also choose to close yourself off to dating completely (convinced that it’s a waste of time).

More disturbingly, you can land a partner who doesn’t cheat but is verbally abusive and demeaning in other ways. 

Low self-awareness negatively impacts every aspect of your life.

Your mind, (in a stunning performance of mental acrobatics), can forgive this toxic behavior, because “at least he/she isn’t a cheater. Lacking self-awareness, we often do this type of internal bargaining, wrongly justifying, undesirable situations in many aspects of our lives.

A person armed with self-awareness isn’t easy to manipulate or degrade. Being fully aware of your strengths, allows you to easily out-maneuver someone trying to “put you in your place,” or bring you down.

Equally as important is being aware of your weaknesses. Acknowledgment and acceptance of your shortcomings put you in control. You’re steps ahead of any attempts to use your weaknesses against you. (Particularly important if you come across abusive and narcissistic people, using manipulation tactics).

How Self-Awareness Creates Fulfillment in Every Aspect of Your Life

Most of us juggle multiple titles in our daily lives. Entrepreneur, parent, employee, significant other, student, etc. Increasing your level of self-awareness can easily be the difference between hitting a wall, and hitting your stride.

Self-Awareness in Entrepreneurship

Multiple research shows that self-awareness is a crucial trait of successful business leaders.  A study by Green Peak Partners and Cornell University examined 72 executives at public and private companies with revenues from $50 million to $5 billion. They find that “a high self-awareness score was the strongest predictor of overall success.”

Self-aware entrepreneurs and leaders are three steps ahead of the competition.

From “Wantrepreneurs,” to full-fledged Entrepreneurs, self-awareness is a major factor in:

• What products or services you’ll offer.
• Where you fit within your company.
• How you hire and utilize the talents of others.
• Risks you’re willing to take.
• How you interact and build relationships with your clients and team.
• What goals you set for your company, and so much more.

Self-aware Entrepreneurs who encourage a culture of self-awareness among employees is well ahead of the competition.

Self-Awareness in Parenting

According to  Shefali Tsabary, (author of The Awakened Family: A Revolution in Parenting), the issues that show up in children, such as anxiety, behavior problems, and resistance, result from parents, who aren’t sufficiently enlightened, awake, or conscious.  The idea being that parenting should focus on developing a parent’s maturity (and less on children themselves).  Family therapists have found that many of children’s behavioral problems resolve, when parents alone, receive counseling.  

Self-Aware parenting allows you to enjoy your child’s unique journey.

Self-awareness in parenting, allows you to parent confidently.  You’ll have more faith in the natural and messy process of your child’s growth.  Your self-awareness allows your children to grow, developing their crucial self-awareness.

Self-Awareness in Romantic Relationships

It’s normal to seek counseling for a marriage that tanks, after years of emotional, mental, and spiritual turmoil.  The more you deal with your false truths before you enter a relationship, the more “luck” you will create within your romantic relationships.  Understanding what you want in a partner, (as well as what you bring to the table), increases your odds of finding fulfillment in love.  

According to an article in The Huffington Post, “the number of American troops killed in Afghanistan and Iraq between 2001 and 2012 was 6,488.  The number of American women who were murdered by current or ex male partners during that time was 11,766.  That’s nearly double the number of casualties lost during war”.  

Self-awareness allows you to recognize toxic people quickly. It prevents you from making excuses (like “it’s his/her sense of humor,” or that’s how he/she shows their love”).  

Self-awareness in relationships sets the bar high for healthy, fair treatment

In the case of toxic relationships (and friendships), your self-awareness, (tied to your self-respect and confidence), will help you draw and enforce boundaries.  You’ll know what you’re willing to accept at a healthy level, vs. what becomes heavy on your positive mindset.  You’ll have the confidence to keep negative people at a distance and feel empowered to cut them out entirely if necessary.

Ways to Increase Your Self-Awareness

Because your self-awareness is ever-evolving, it’s a necessity to drown out the noise and turn your focus inward deliberately.  The following are my favorite two methods to focus on, to increase self-awareness.

Dig Into Your Past

One of the most seductive and unfortunate pieces of advice gurus offer is to leave your past behind you.  After hitting a short stride in your fulfillment, you take a nasty tumble, (over an object that seems to have come out of nowhere).  This is how your past behaves when you don’t deal with it.  I call it the Michael Myers curse.  Just when you think the dust from your past has settled, it creeps up like a horror movie villain. You’re never able to outrun it, which is why you must face it directly.

There’s a systematic way to dig through your past, (like an archaeologist carefully digging through valuable, precious clues.  I go into this at length in my upcoming book titled Who the F@*k Are You?! Get Self-Aware to Stop Getting Your Ass Kicked, and Live a Kick-Ass Life! 

We buy into the warnings about looking at our past, keeping us tripping over our own feet.  How else are you supposed to identify habits that continue to sabotage you?   What else alerts you to the patterns you must break to be successful and fulfilled?  How do you connect that the reason you date broken people, is rooted in having to parent a broken mother/ father, growing up (as was one of my many priceless discoveries)?

These connect the dot “Ahaa” moments, sure as hell don’t come from ditching decades worth of experiences.  It comes from rolling up your sleeves and reflecting on your past, forming new perceptions and perspectives.

Your past is the ultimate key for understanding your unique inner workings, empowering you to affect your present and future positively.

Journal Your Progress

Keeping a journal has substantial benefits.  One 2005 study found that “expressive writing” such as journaling, is uniquely therapeutic.  Participants who wrote about traumatic, stressful, or emotional events were significantly less likely to get sick and less severely affected by trauma, than their non-journaling counterparts. 

When you begin digging into your past, you’ll experience those brilliant “Ahha” moments.  Preserving, organizing, and making sense of those discoveries is possible through journaling.

In journaling, you’ll find your truth and your voice, giving them permission to scream as loudly and as unapologetically as you dare. 

When you hit a roadblock on your path of self-awareness, it becomes easy to lose your way back.  You’ll have a proven record and layout, easily accessible, to get your focus back on your growth. 

Journaling forces you to get honest with yourself, which is incredibly liberating.  It’s that honesty, along with self-awareness, that will embolden you to create a life you love.

Tools For Developing Self-Awareness

• Follow my FB page @personalgrowthlifestyle, for actionable personal development tips that fit your lifestyle. Join my new FB group that will help you clearly define what success and fulfillment look and feel like in your life and business, so you can fearlessly pursue your goals (without toxic relationship baggage from the past weighing you down).   

• Check out Personal Development With Lisa Latimer on the Teachable platform, with the first course The Art of Positive Self-Talk. 

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