Detaching Energetically From Narcissists

She's So Boss Mindset
She's So Boss Mindset
Detaching Energetically From Narcissists

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Lisa Latimer 0:03
Welcome for personal growth lifestyle, real talk, real results. I’m your host, Lisa Latimer and I’m bringing personal development personality.

Welcome to personal growth lifestyle real talk real results. I’m your host Lisa Latimer, self-awareness facilitator, author and battle tested empath.

Today’s guest has a saying that goes, you don’t have to sacrifice to love in order to receive love. Holly Hughes is an intuitive healer and author helping women who lost themselves remember who they are, which is so awesome because my book is Who the fuck are you? So me and Holly are a great team today! Holly uses her intuitive gifts and insights to help women energetically detach from their Narcissus partner and define themselves on their own terms. She believes and wants you to believe that happiness is an option. It is on the menu. Ladies, Holly, welcome.

Holly Hughes 1:15
Holly: Thank you. Thank you.

Lisa Latimer 1:17
So good to have you with us

Holly Hughes 1:19
It is awesome to be here. I love you. I think you’re amazing.

Lisa Latimer 1:24
Thank you. And we hit it off so amazing when we had our quick 15-minute chat, I was really excited today. And I just feel like you have such a refreshing cool laid back, you know, relatable way of just talking about things. And that’s what you know, that’s what we want here. And that’s what clients want. So I’m like I go on business podcast, motivational podcast, but my heart really belongs to the women who are where I once was feeling trapped and hopeless and narcissist abuse relationships exactly who you work with. And it’s why I choose to focus on building self-awareness, and really, truly appreciate the work that you’re doing. So you’ve had your own experience with abusive relationships. Can you tell us a bit about that? Yeah, it’s

Holly Hughes 2:07
called a starter marriage. I had a starter marriage. And I chose someone who had wounds that I was used to, and who was sad and the world obviously was against. And I thought that I couldn’t love him enough to make him happy. And he was eight years older than me. I like to say the whole relationship was five years, it was 23 to 28. I moved in with him, I think less than a month of meeting him.

My criteria was if I fit into his pants, I will be with him because he was like tall and skinny. And I didn’t think I could fit though I was in LA and everyone’s so skinny there. So anyway, that was my thing. And my experience of him was very much he just picked slowly. Right? Like the abuse, the mental and emotional abuse really happened so subtly. Until I had given up everything I loved. Yeah, I wasn’t wearing the fun clothes I even liked anymore. And I lost my voice. I lost my self-confidence. And it took me five years to really honestly regain it.

So yeah, I like my favorite example of it was like I get all dressed up. And he’d look at me and say your shoes are ugly, and walk out the door. Like it was always what was wrong. It was never what was good. Or I was in film and TV production then and I would work 12 to 14 hour days and my commute was a little bit almost an hour and a half each way. I still had a bunch of people over for a friend’s Thanksgiving like eight people I had cooked the whole meal even though I worked forever, whatever. He sat down only when the meal came even though people had been there for an hour. He sat down and told me everything tasted like shit and got up and left.

Lisa Latimer 4:01
Wow. I think I think I would have made sure that he was wearing that Turkey on his fucking way out. Because you know,

Holly Hughes 4:09
No, I would never ever put up with it. But then I was just mortified. I was like, I’m not enough. And did he reinforce that? I am not enough. I’m not good enough.

Lisa Latimer 4:20
And did he do that in front of your company?

Holly Hughes 4:22
Oh, yeah. I mean, I was at I was. So I was working in Spelling Television. And I worked on that show. Seventh Heaven.

Yeah, that’s a whole other thing. Then that so I was in charge of doing the wrap party for the cast season one. And I had some difficulty with an executive producer because she wanted her friend to have my job. So the party was a really, really big deal for me and it was like a way to kind of save me to keep working there. Right? I prepare it I work with Mr.Spelling’s assistant Rene and working with the executive in charge of production all these people spelling of this huge party couple 100 people Am I like, do I get paid for this now? Okay, so a couple 100 people, he starts a fight with me and leaves the party.

Lisa Latimer 5:13
That’s typical that that really is so typical that I mean, that just brings the abuse to a whole nother level when they start doing it in front of people. And when it’s something that’s so important to you, for whatever the reason, that I mean, it’s one thing to have someone mortify you and put you down, you know, when it’s just you and them in your home. That’s horrible as it is, but when they do it in public, because I’ve been subjected to that to in the middle of a mall, or just in the middle of where you know, where there are other eyes and ears observing that really, wolf that that kills your soul and your spirit.

Holly Hughes 5:51
It does it does. Or he said he’d loved me as long as I never gained weight.

Oh, oh, oh, that’s this girl’s comedy. So you know, I was like, but like, you know, for me now, someone said that. Yeah, I wouldn’t be. I’m a very different person. But but then it just it was a little picked. When I finally got therapy. My therapist explained that to me, like he took such tiny pieces of me for five years that he didn’t notice. It’s like that frog in the boiling pot, right? It’s just, they slowly you know, turn it up.

When I first met him. We read the same books, and he was creative. And he was an art director. And it was exciting. And he had a leather fringe jacket. I mean, could you be orange jacket, and he I made it into a party. And I was seeing someone else. I didn’t actually think he would show up because he was eight years older than me. And he did. And I was like, I can’t believe you’re here. But I have a boyfriend. And he’s like, well, when you know what you want? Let me know. And he left. And that was just a challenge I could not meet. So obviously, I had to live with him within three weeks. Right?

I mean, that just makes perfect sense. So yeah, that was my trial by fire. And I worked so hard. I tried so hard to make this marriage work. On my wedding day. His mother wore white. And she pulled me aside right before our vows and said it’s not too late not to do it. Because she knew her son. I was his second wife. Really? Hmm. So I thought she was evil when she did that. But in hindsight, right, it was whatever. Like the minute we got married, he got sick, he got pneumonia, and he moved out of the bedroom and he didn’t come back for months. Oh, wow. In that legacy, he had me Yeah. And then he just killed me with indifference. I would come home from working all those hours and he’d be on the sofa and he wouldn’t acknowledge my presence. He did not touch me. He would like it was just by a million paper cuts when I decided to stand up for myself and get divorce. I call this my mother and I said what can I do? She’s like, there’s nothing you can do. You did everything.

Lisa Latimer 7:58
Could a woman pick up a phone like before you walk down the aisle with our son What’s up with that?

Holly Hughes 8:04
That’s what I was thinking like if he got divorced after six months for a reason. But you know, it was his mother didn’t understand him. It was the wife didn’t understand him. He wasn’t understood. And of course, I am so special that I understood him and that was the love bomb for me.

Lisa Latimer 8:25
Yes, and it’s so true. Like they always come in hot but not with the abuse. They come in hot with the you know putting you up on a pedestal making you feel like you are that one. And I don’t know because I’ve met women of all sorts of backgrounds that are at different levels of success like yourself you were very successful. And so I initially thought that falling for narc abuse was like a lack of self-esteem a lack of you know success. But I see women all across the board that this happens to, certainly see successful women by the way I’m the people who’ve come to see me to get away from a narcissist.

Holly Hughes 9:11
Yeah, are lawyers. They’re like they’re big, hugely successful I got successful because I had control at work. None at home and I wasn’t even that high up on the totem pole at my job. But that was like one thing that I did what I learned when I knew I was getting out though because I’ve always been a freelancer so as a freelance producer and I got hired by Sony to do a project for them. Right and I told them not to pay me for six months. I waited till my, divorce was final because that shithead wanted my money.

Lisa Latimer 9:47
that is really smart. So then, so then if you think about it, right. Do you really think that there is such a thing as being narc proof like you could be narc aware But it makes me wonder because, you know, I personally was I my first narcissist abuse relationship was with my high school boyfriend. So I was from 16 to about 16-27 old, so I was young. And I, you know, attributed that to like lack of self-awareness, which is one of the reasons why I focus so much on self-awareness with my clients and with the podcast and everything. But, you know, then when I start talking to women that I work with, and coaches like yourself, and you’re right, there are so many successful women, that when you look at them, you like, Oh, my gosh, she has it all. She would never settle for that shit. You know, and there you have it,

Holly Hughes 10:42
But I think it’s what we know. Right, like, so. I have a big thing. Like, I have to say, I never used to watch The Bachelor Hunter, if I can mention that here. But because it’s the Rona, I was like, well, I need something mindless. And this season of The Bachelor, Fine, let’s not let’s just give him his props. But there’s a 21-year-old, a 23-year-old, those girls, those women, those becoming women. Yeah, I want them not to be defined by relationship. And we have even though I wasn’t a princess freak, somehow when we’re young, we’re defined by relationship.

My parents met in high school, right? different era, but like, so I was like, high school sweetheart had one of those, oh, we’ll get married in 1999. That’s such like as a You’re just an idiot. But I feel like sometimes, when people commit at such a young age, you never mature past that emotional place that you met. You’re not challenged. The world hasn’t come at you. And you’re you’re in this tiny bubble. Yes, that is. And that’s part of why you get stuck. You literally don’t know better. I have a daughter and I don’t want her to get married before 30. I told her she can play house if she wanted. But what in her 20s it’s about exploring the world in career and figuring out who she is. Absolutely.

Lisa Latimer 12:01
That’s the time where you should be trying should failing, falling on your face getting up and doing it all over again, without hesitation. And without having to think I was sitting here like, Oh, I will I can’t do this. Or I’d love to maybe live in this state for a few months and do this. But oh, his job is here. Like in your 20s like a 21.

Holly Hughes 12:22
That’s such shit. That but I think because we think we’re grownups. I honestly do like because I think Yeah, anyone like I just want to pat myself on the head. Like, because that individuation process is so brutal, right? And I think it really is the awareness of women who may be mature past it. You know, whatever.

Look, I know my child is willful. I love her. I love her with that will and I don’t want to squish it. Right? Right. But so my thing is like, please don’t get married when you’re young. She’s probably gonna get married when she’s young. Right? That will annoy me. But whatever. But I really do. I honestly the other thing I see with a lot of people clients is that they marry young. And by the time they’re 40, they’re like, why did I do this? I’m trapped by someone I have nothing in common with we grew in opposite ways. My kid is older now. And who am I? I’ve I’ve been a Mrs.

Lisa Latimer 13:20
Yeah, you get into that relationship, especially when you do it at a young age like I did. And you don’t realize that you haven’t matured past that level that that relationship started in so many ways you haven’t been and you know, what’s funny, too, is that I actually was challenged, I was actually dealing with the same shitty things that adults that I knew friend’s parents that I knew were dealing with in their marriages. I was dealing with that in my relationship, but with a 20-year-old mind.

Holly Hughes 13:54
And emotional state. It’s an emotional state. Yeah, I kind of go into that a bit in my book, but I think you can go through a lot but you’re wounded, wounded and then what are your parents’ coping mechanisms? Right? That’s huge! That’s huge!

So I my thing is like, I also think we imitate what we see even if we don’t like it. So a lot of people will come to me they’re like, I don’t know what’s not working. I’m stuck. And I’m like, you what you you’re doing what you know, but what you know is making unhappier just gotta let it go, like, energetically, you’re holding on to imagine an electric cord, right? You’re getting shocked. And I’m just telling you to let go of your fingers. But you’re so used to punching holding on tighter.

Lisa Latimer 14:40
Yeah, absolutely. And it’s funny you say that too, because when I was 16, and I read my book to that, you know, I was in that first relationship at 16 trying to show my parents how it’s done, because I hated what I was seeing going on between them because that happened to be a very tumultuous time for them. And I was like, Well, you know, with my 16 year old arrogance, because we think we know who the hell we are and what we are at that age. I said, I’m gonna show them how it’s done. So here’s this great guy. He looks so great on paper. He’s my age. He’s so smart that it up. And um, yeah, and oddly enough, that relationship mirrored the exact same ILS that I saw being fought about, actually. And then some, yeah, from what I was seeing,

Holly Hughes 15:25
because it’s what, you know, coping mechanism, you have the same. That’s what like we can sometimes I tell people don’t become what you hate. But that’s what happens. And it’s an unconscious thing.

Lisa Latimer 15:38
And you even said that to at the beginning, you said that it was the wounds that you were used to?

Holly Hughes 15:43
Yeah, were the wounds that you were used to. Yeah, that relationship. I knew how to love a man who was in pain. My dad was in pain, and I loved him. I mean, I still love them. I love my dad. Like, that’s just like, you know, whatever. But, but that was like what I learned. But what I’ve learned through maturity is that are you bothered about something to your partner that I love more than anything? I’m here to support you but handle your shit. Right? Because that’s your Yeah, and not mine. And I’m not taking it on for you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t support you. It doesn’t mean I won’t be there. Right? Not I think for a person entangled in a relationship is, especially with a narcissist. That’s the part that gets confusing. How did I go from up to down by how do I win it back?

Lisa Latimer 16:33
Absolutely. And I love that you talk about detaching energetically because your energy is drained from you, like you said death by 1000 paper cuts your energy is drained little by little every day. And then the pieces that are taken from you, by then replaced with a different energy, their energy, something that’s not even part of your natural state of being

Holly Hughes 16:58
100% I call them energy vampires. It’s not just nurses. There’s other people that I think there’s like a funny show about vampires and the guy is an energy vampires just don’t bores you to death literally and you suck your energy by boring you write a lot of energy vampires like to dump their problems. There’s those people right, he’ll just vomit all their stuff on you. They feel better and you walk away and especially if you’re an empath.

Now you’re carrying all their garbage. And you’re just like, you know, I don’t want any of that. And I think with an emotional partner that energetic thing is that those of us who’ve had more challenging relationships, we intertwine. We’re not an individual all this, you complete me bullshit from Jerry Maguire. No, you need to be a whole complete person. Yes, for a partner, you are not a peg. Like you know, you want to fit in with someone I recently had a post with like two puzzle pieces. And then you don’t have to change to fit in.

You’re just looking for someone who like, you know, gets you and I think when I got divorced, there was another thing that I thought about a lot. And I got married for me. I awesomely young mind. It was freedom. I was free to love I could try things maybe if I was a good girl I wouldn’t before because I was with the one bla bla bla right so for me it was ultimate freedom. I had the ring someone picked me. I’m so special. Yay, Holly. Right and my partner was like now I don’t have to do shit because I have the rank by Yeah. And and I recognize that and I had to like unwind that thought pattern

Lisa Latimer 18:40
Yeah. Oh God, we get so entangled in the bullshit that we get from other people all the different ideas, the false truths, the limiting beliefs, it becomes this jungle that we have to hack our way through to get back out to like that clearing where we can breathe and we can see things clearly for what they are. And then we have to decide okay, you’re here you see things for what they are now what are you going to do about it? Now what are you going to do about it? Because if you’re if you’re still in that headspace where you think you know that you’re powerless and they’re continuing to drag you down and suck out your you know, whatever bit of self-esteem that you have left, you know, you get to that clearing but it’s like great now what am I even capable Am I worthy so it’s like then a whole other battle that you have to fight but boundaries and taking action like you have to take some sort of action?

Holly Hughes 19:38
Absolutely. Well, that’s where I think like my the intuitive energy work like literally, I can see energy, so it’s gray. It’s Goofy, it’s it’s chords, we can cut them my favorite boundary with a narcissist or more challenging people. And it’s tricky because I know the people I’ve seen who’ve gotten out of most narcissists are religious The problem then becomes the children. Because almost everyone has children with them. These narcissists like to breed trophies like they don’t parent their kids, but they breed trophy.

. And that is, and you know what, as crazy as that sounds, that is probably just about how they look at their children.

Like every person who comes in and then they have to fight for you know, school and where you gonna live and they’re gonna manipulate you. I’m like, whatever. I just like so much drama. And of course, of course, it’s exceedingly painful to be the parent in that because most mothers love their jobs, and they don’t see them as trophies. But the boundary, the energetic line that I like to help people imagine is when you go to the zoo, and there’s a gorilla or a lion, they’re usually behind exceedingly thick Plexiglas. So you really get a good look at that.

You can see them pounce their chest and like be a beast, or a lion or a tiger. And you see them napping. They’re like, Oh, that looks so cute. And then they come in, like pal ever seen that video when the lions going nuts over the toddler and the parents like, this is cute, I’m like, No, he wants to eat your child. so crazy. But with you get to a space where you have that boundary, you can see the narcissist or the person who has caused you so much pain. But you know, now they cannot touch you. So they can say and do whatever they want on that side of the wall and your air and your fuzzy socks, if you want to your you know, damn high heels, whatever empowers you, whatever makes you feel most you, right, and you can be butt naked, and you can still be safe because they are over there. And it doesn’t matter. Getting to the place where it doesn’t matter is the challenge. And you know, even when you have many great years, you can always hit a dip, right? There’s that a bad day. But otherwise, I think that’s super important. And I really haven’t met a narcissist who cares about his children other than to hurt his other partner.

But you know, now they cannot touch you. So they can say and do whatever they want on that side of the wall and your air and your fuzzy socks, if you want to your you know, damn high heels, whatever empowers you, whatever makes you feel most you, right, and you can be butt naked, and you can still be safe because they are over there. And it doesn’t matter. Getting to the place where it doesn’t matter is the challenge. And you know, even when you have many great years, you can always hit a dip, right? There’s that a bad day. But otherwise, I think that’s super important. And I really haven’t met a narcissist who cares about his children other than to hurt his other partner.

Lisa Latimer 22:02
Right? used as just another source of manipulation to drag the partner who the mud, you can’t live here, because those are my kids.

Holly Hughes 22:11
And I want them here to take you to court and all of that, but then they give up the days that they want them or then that you get into the game of I can’t pick them up. We have to meet but you have to drive 45 minutes for me to meet them because you know, my toe hurt. I need you to bring him here. Yeah,

Lisa Latimer 22:28
That was by one saving grace, I will say. And still even though thank God, I didn’t end up with children from the two narcissist abuse relationships that I was in, you know, I fought for those relationships, I was that person holding on to that electric, you know, current and holding and squeezing harder and harder. Rather than just letting go me with my no children, entanglement.

Self just wanting to not look like I failed, wanting to prove that I was worthy in that I was that chick that could tame them, love them through their shit, you know, and show them that I was, you know, worthy of being put back up on that pedestal that they had had me on at the beginning of the relationship when they came in hot with the love and Oh, you’re the one and you’re so different from everyone else that I’ve ever met? Yeah.

Holly Hughes 23:23
Did did yours bad mouth everyone before?

Lisa Latimer 23:26
Oh my gosh, my second one really did that my first one in high school. We were so young. But it really wasn’t. I come to find out. Just as a quick side note that the one that I was with in high school from so young were both 16 he was being raised by a narcissist. And he’s only figured that out recently.

Holly Hughes 23:43
I feel like he’s gotten better, like energetically, he really wants to be better than that. Like when you just say talk about him. He struggles because he has habits. But the heart of him well, you know, he’s, it’s, we’re not to so it takes some time to switch that. But he’s like, he has an awareness that narcissists don’t care about?

Lisa Latimer 24:03
He does because he reached out over the summer because his marriage just ended, unfortunately. And he said, What is your opinion? And he’s like, you knew me better than anyone and I would tell him about himself. I would still hold on right? Um, and I said, You’re a narcissist. He said, You’re not the first person that’s described me as that. And he said, I’m trying to, like, get this shit, right.

So yeah, so he was being raised by a narcissist. But the second one that I was with, um, you know, he really had me on the pedestal, he, he had it worked out like he knew the steps. I don’t know if it’s because he had seen it in a relationship before or learned it somewhere along the way. But he knew the love bombing stage. He knew how to take you through that he knew the gas lighting. He knew all of the gaslighting

Holly Hughes 24:54
is the second one. Did he have depression though? I feel like he had depression.

Lisa Latimer 24:58
He probably did. Because you had a big drug issue that he was hiding from me. Self numbing. Yeah, absolutely. And so what, what do you think, are some common misconceptions that like the family and the friends that are that are on the outside looking in UK at the women going through this? What are some of the common misconceptions you feel like that that they have about the woman or about the relationship?

Holly Hughes 25:26
I think that they think the person the girl knows what she’s doing. Or they think that I tried and she’s not listening. Hmm. Man, I would tell them try a different way. Just try because, because that fear of failure, I think is what made me stay for so long, right? Because I used to journal all the time, and I didn’t realize how dissociative I was until I was in therapy. But um, the first date that I came home, I wrote my journal about my x, the three things I knew I didn’t like about him. And my therapist said, Go-Go get your journal. And they were the three reasons why the marriage ended. He was controlling, he was cruel, and was something else. And I saw it on the first date, but I could not process it. Wow. That’s so crazy. So I think those of us in anyone in it now like you might have an awareness but you might not trust your gut, your instincts, your you’re not trusting that you’re pulling your eyebrows out or that you’re sweating constantly or you’re afraid to go home. Yeah, I used to be nervous to go in my own door. Yeah, like what am I going to find? What am I going to walk into? What mood Am I going to have to deal with? Absolutely,

Lisa Latimer 26:45
absolutely. What kind of thing is he gonna throw? What’s the reason for the call

Holly Hughes 26:48
the man Trump’s you must call it a man’s drones? Yes. Um, so I think people on the outside looking in. If you see your friend slowly, either starting to dress and be more controlled and precise and perfect and nothing out of place. Giant cry for help. I don’t think that this show is real. And the same is if they start covering up a lot more like I know I started wearing bigger and bigger clothing. Hmm, yeah. Right, you know, and I didn’t it didn’t probably no one can see my hand spinning around my face. But I was trying to I didn’t realize I was I was like, Oh no, I’m just comfortable. Like cuz I could rationalize anything. If you hear your friend making rationalizations for the most absurd things. Yeah, then they’re so in there. You got to send the lifeline and they might not like it, you know, they might get mad but if you love someone, you can handle an argument. Like I know the world doesn’t know how to argue right now. I know that but like, let’s bring it back. Let’s bring our adulting back. And can we not raise the narcissist? Can you let your child know that they can wait? They don’t get everything they want. You don’t have to go to every spelling bee you don’t right. You don’t change your life for the kid. Yes. be supportive. Don’t be a jerk. Parents love them, but they’re not always first.

Lisa Latimer 28:09
Absolutely. And that’s so important because narcissists are not born narcissists. They are made I could say that I saw my first high school you know, boyfriend being made into a narcissist by someone you know that he was raised by who was doing the thing, the same thing to the entire family, her kids, you know, nieces, nephews, everybody was under that one’s you know, narcissist control. So I could, you know, I could see how they’re created. And, and we have the power to fix it by how we raise our kids and how we raise our daughters to, you know, not be narcissist because women can be narcissists, too. But to, but to, you know, be on to it again, I don’t know if it’s possible to be narc proof. But you can certainly be narco aware.

Holly Hughes 29:01
I think, you know, as you mature, you might become more narc proof because you can see him common, right? Like, you’d be like, like, I when I feel someone in a room that I don’t like, you know, like, not everyone’s gonna like me, that upsets me. But you know, it’s the way it goes. You like me or you don’t but energetically literally, like when you feel that coming towards you just yeah, walk away. Yeah. Or if you’re super overstimulated and curious, but it’s like a panic. That’s not attraction.

Lisa Latimer 29:33
And because you think it’s that danger. Oh, he gives me a rush. Yeah,

Holly Hughes 29:37
I think that’s what gets some of us right. Everyone’s doing a bad boy or two. I don’t know if you date them, whatever. But you know, like that, that rush but it’s never it’s never long term Good for you, whatever.

Lisa Latimer 29:51
Absolutely don’t want to deny you fine, but I think that’s, that’s a signal. The narc group part I think is like if you’ve gone through it and you have awareness You forgive yourself that’s in self-forgiveness. self-compassion is so important in anything that you do in life, but certainly when you’re recovering from narc abuse, you know, and like you said, you, you can have all the signs in front of you and know from the beginning, but you have to understand that it’s like the old your this is your brain on drugs commercial, I say when they have the crying that’s lit it’s literally like what it is to be under the spell of an arc you are not yourself. And so I think understanding that the person that you love and care about is just not themselves at that time. And that you’re going to have to use a lot of patience in dealing with them and in watching their situation unfold because they it’s really something that they have to finally see and get to that clearing themselves. You could drop hints, you can offer support, you could say, hey, if you want to crash here, crash here, but you know, there’s a chance that they might go back until they get to that place themselves.

Holly Hughes 31:03
Yeah. And then you can just like love them through it and give them space. It might be hard to be around that person. I think my brother when I think I finally separated, he’s like, you know what you want in a person isn’t hard to find like I wanted someone who was nice. Who wanted a smile and like go out every now and again. Like he’s like that list is pretty low. Like you’re what you’re asking for is a lot of hard. Right? So you just get so used to crap that you settle for it easily settle

Lisa Latimer 31:32
for basic human decency if you think about it.

Holly Hughes 31:36
Cuz you don’t really get it after a while. Right? Like they start with it. And then you’re like, Oh, I so you get the thing is I think they get you to give up. Yeah, you lose hope. So that’s why I think the forgiveness part to be more narc proof you really have to forgive yourself for loving someone who hurt you. Hmm, it’s not forgiving them. It’s really about oh my god, I made a mistake instead of instead of feeding the narrative of I’m worthless. I’m no good. Like that idiot says it is. I feel so I’m so sorry that I did that to myself. And how do I go about nurturing her and like, not blaming and shaming my own self to then do it and pick another one?

Lisa Latimer 32:21
So Holly, what if you want to give us just kind of touch on the process that you take your clients through that come to you?

Holly Hughes 32:28
Yeah, so a session usually is sort of like this, it starts off as a conversation. And while I talk to the individual person, I will start getting information, which is why I asked about your exes, if he has depression, because I feel depression as a headache and the front of my head. And when you just mentioned him, it just goes down. So that’s tricky, but I will physically get pains, aches, feelings, I’ll get images in my mind. I’ll hear your guides, however you want to call them. I’m not really specific. Everyone has things I wish that were there. Sometimes they’re angels. I call them interdimensional beings.

When I like to say like, if you pray, it’s like getting an answer right away, but it’s just coming through me. So then I started giving information and trying to figure out especially let’s just take coming out of a narcissistic relationship, right? People can come see me because they know something’s not working, but they don’t know what it is. And I have to guide them there. Right in such a way that they’ll come back and heal. Because just like we just said, sometimes they don’t want to hear it. Exactly fascinating. So then, after we talk a little bit and I tell you what I’m feeling I have a table in my office is like a massage table, but you have all your clothes on. And it’s very similar to Reiki and I’ll move my hands around you because your body will tell me things your mind doesn’t intrigue where Yeah, where you’re holding on to a pain, like an old wound, like all sorts of crazy things.

It’s kind of it’s like my favorite part. And then I will typically guide you through a meditation just meant for you and what we were working on that day, I’ll talk as I walk around the table, unless I feel your mind spinning too much. And then I’ll probably just be quiet so I can get the person to quiet down. And it’s just like that the same I do the same like because I do phone and zoom ones too. And I do the similar kind of thing. Like it’s same no matter which way we connect.

Lisa Latimer 34:29
Well that is definitely interesting. And I love that you again that you go into the energy of the person because energy is huge energy is everything. It’s all around us. And really our whatever we give our energy to we we take energy back from whatever it is that we’re giving energy to. So once we learn and I’ve heard so many women that have been in narcissists, narcissists abuse relationships, and successfully gotten out say that it’s you have to just Detach complete detachment, that energy has got to break off completely.

Holly Hughes 35:07
Yeah, I guess I think honestly, the, women who I’ve helped with narcissist, narcissistic. Well, tongue twister now for relationships is that it takes a session or to depending on where they are in the process. Yeah, to realize that, that they became the woman that they heard about. So whoever the man was with the time before he’ll use all sorts of adjectives that he’s settling, and you’re like, Oh my god, you’re right. You’re right. You, you believe what they say, brag, because that’s part of the love bomb that you’re better than that. But then, then it’s your turn to fill the bad person’s role when they move on. I find that narcissists have a very specific timetable.

Ah, right, like so. a narcissist relationship can be sometimes they have a three-week cycle ones love ones makes you uneasy. One’s horrible, right? Sometimes it’s several months, or it’s just how long they do each relationship I have with this person for three years, and I’m with this person for three like I have not, it seems to repeat itself that way. And I find that fascinating, energetically, what I have to do is turn the person back on to their own stuff. So because there’s so focused on this man, energetically that they’re feeling, probably they’re empaths on some level that they can feel his unhappiness and have to be like, that’s not more important than your happiness. And that is, I think, the biggest hurdle in leaving those relationships. Yeah, absolutely. Turning off your switch your energy connection. That person closing that circuit just off comes Yeah, I call I cut it. I just

Lisa Latimer 36:48
love it.

So Holly, how can we get in touch with you to learn more about you to work with you?

Holly Hughes 36:55
I’m on Instagram the most so that’s Holly Hughes intuitive on Instagram with whatever underscore. Yeah, but if you put Holly’s intuitive, it’ll show up. My website, Holly Hughes, intuitive calm, pretty easy. And I’m even on Goodreads because I have a book coming out. But like so any which way? Just not Facebook or Twitter?

Lisa Latimer 37:18
Yeah. Oh, gosh, I actually I’m off of Twitter now completely. I had to give it a rest. I just, I’d like to give it all a rest. But

Holly Hughes 37:25
I think I aged out of Twitter. I didn’t know very evil.

Lisa Latimer 37:31
Holly, thank you so much for being with us today. And of course I will have all of that linked in the show notes. And I really look forward to having you back on soon and working with you again because you are such a wealth of information and insight.

Holly Hughes 37:43
Oh my god, Lisa, you’re the best. Thank you so much for having me. I sincerely enjoyed talking to you. Oh, me too.

Lisa Latimer 37:49
Definitely. Thanks again Holly. Are you ready to become a your most valuable asset book a free chat with me at Lisa from there you can grab my Amazon bestseller Who the fuck are you increased self-awareness to gain clarity silenced fear and create fulfillment in life in business. You can also check out my courses, self-aware goal setting and speak it into existence with more

Unknown Speaker 38:14
courses to come.

Lisa Latimer 38:15
I’m Lisa Latimer, and I’m helping you make personal growth part of your lifestyle.


Learn more about Holly Hughes here!

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