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You know every now and again I like to do a teachable moment from something that happened in pop culture. So today’s teachable episode comes from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and specifically Dolores said something that brought the ghost of my own cringy past relationship behavior right out from the grave. So they had been brunching at Lake George and Delores says that she’s had boyfriends that she couldn’t leave alone. Like as in couldn’t leave up to their own devices because they’d cheat. Or at least it was a concern of hers in her mind.
I immediately recalled the only family vacation that my family ever went on to Disney many years ago, that I chose to not go on. Because I couldn’t trust my narcissist cheating high school boyfriend, (we were probably about 22. at that time), I couldn’t trust him to behave while I was gone. I even remember him saying to me something to the effect of that he couldn’t guarantee me, or that he was nervous that he would indeed do something. So, I missed this family time along with a hell of a lot of other things because I had to be on cheater patrol. And rather than just break up with the guy, right? No, I couldn’t do that I had to be this guy’s 24-hour babysitter. I had to make sure that he wasn’t playing with anything that he wasn’t supposed to play with. And if you think that this is rare for a woman or a guy to think that they have to be constantly readily available to amuse someone in order to prevent that person from looking elsewhere, think again. This happens a lot more than you think.
And even Melissa Gorga went on to kind of lament about this pissing contest that exists in relationships, so many relationships I might add. It’s that “Oh, you’re going out with your friends, so I’m going to go out even harder with my friends” type of bullshit. And it becomes such a toxic pattern. And, you know, I still have friends that I watched to this day who have been married for decades, you know that if they’re not going out with each other together. It’s, “Oh, you’re wearing that cologne and you’re going out with your boys, well then I’m going out with my girls and I’m wearing this top that just barely covers my nipples”. And I’m telling you it’s it’s straight crazy town!
So today I’m going to talk to you about the four big mental shifts that I made that took me from being treated like a doormat to being chased after by the right guys. And make sure you stick around until the end because You’ll get your 1-3 thought-provoking questions that scratch the surface of your self-awareness and make for great journaling prompts.
Now, I’d spent about 11-years with my high school narcissist ex. And at around year eight, I was about 23-24 years old, I had this liberating epiphany that the fuckery that I was experiencing in terms of cheating, had little to nothing to do with me and everything to do with the actual self-loathing of this guy who was very intelligent (he could hold a conversation with the best of them). wildly, wildly charismatic, and who attracted damn near everyone who looked at him. I was so busy, so preoccupied with trying to be the woman that could satisfy him, that it never hit me up until that point, that he wasn’t even capable of being the man who could satisfy himself!
He wasn’t able to be someone that he could look at in the mirror and be proud of, and here I was killing myself to be that for him. I’ll tell you this. Once that curtain opens, I don’t know if you’ve seen the Wizard of Oz. But once that curtain opens, and the Great and Powerful Oz can be seen for who he or she actually is, the dynamic of that relationship can never be the same. Once you begin to see what a person is working so hard to hide, or to compensate for, forget about it. That veil of illusion, once it’s down, it can never be restored.
First Mindset Shift For Love
So this is the first mindset shift that I made, that brought me out of this place of being invisible and treated like an ATM machine, you know, “I need you I’m going to use you now let’s let’s go out together, you know, we’ll go grab something to eat on your dime. You know, I’ll say some nice things to you, I’ll say some funny things to you make you laugh, and then I’m out”. Okay, so it got me from being that girl, to having the energy in the room shift to me, whenever I walked in, it was the realization that you don’t have to take the way that someone treats you, as a sign as evidence as factual evidence of your worthiness.
Often, it really isn’t to you, it’s them. You don’t have to allow yourself to be the sacrificial lamb of someone who, quite honestly, in most situations, just flat out refuses to deal with their wounds and to heal themselves. Understand what a person is compensating for, and get out of their path of destruction. Yes, it’s sad, they have a wound or wounds that they may not be aware of, or may not think that they’re capable of healing, or may think that they just don’t need to heal, right? Because why do people need to heal their wounds when there are people like I was and perhaps maybe like you’ve been in the past or are at a point right now that are willing to entertain them and that are willing to say “it’s okay, I understand you’re wounded. Here. Take it out on me”.
There is absolutely no reason why you should allow yourself to get fresh wounds and fresh traumas, because of someone that you like, really love or you care about to some degree. And they just refuse to do the healing. They don’t care to heal themselves. They’re absolutely fine with running you and anyone else in their path over rather than doing the healing and taking responsibility for their actions. So that was the first huge mental shift that I made.
Second Mindset Shift For Love
The second mental shift that made me highly sought after by the right guys, was when I decided to flip the things that I was focusing on in life. So, instead of sitting there and focusing on what can I do to keep my relationship fresh and keep it spicy, to keep myself desired or to keep him entertained and from straying, I became hyper focused on my career goals.
I had just completed my ultrasound program, and was just about to start my externship, and I was ready to hit the ground running. I had accomplished so much just in that not even full year yet that I started walking and carrying myself differently. I walked with purpose, I walked like a woman who knew what her value was. I carried myself like a woman that was busy busting through her goals. And guess what? People want to be around that person. People notice and become kind of curious, when they see someone who kind of walks around like the world is just opening up for them. And they’re ready to walk right in.
They think, you know, “what does this person have, that it’s making them so confident and so happy”, right? Have you ever seen someone like that, and it just strikes this natural curiosity where you, you’re like, “I have to get a little closer to them”? “I want to know a little bit more about them”. You know, and they want to be chosen by the person who looks and acts like they have their pick of the litter. Isn’t there such a difference when the person that can literally have anyone, and does actually have some impressive love interests vying for their attention, turns around and pursues you? That means a lot.
So, when you are that person, other people that are of the right quality they want, they want to be the one that you choose. When your focus changes from being preoccupied with chasing people, to getting busy chasing opportunities and your goals, people the right people take notice. They want to prove that they’re worthy of being around a person that’s doing big things in the world, of the person that’s making moves, they want to prove that they are worthy of a seat at your table.
The added benefits of this is that you are winning no matter what you’re building your career or business or your network, or whatever goals you have for yourself. And at the same time. You’re also building your self respect, your self awareness, your self love, so you can never go wrong. When your energy shifts from chasing people or a specific person to chasing goals, you will never lose when that is your focus.
Third Mental Shift For Love
The third mental shift that I made was a total upgrade to my love life. And that was tossing out the belief that I had to find someone who completed me who fulfilled me who could be the air that I breathe was responsibility and sole purpose on this earth was to make me feel all the things that I’m supposed to be able to feel for myself. Once you take responsibility for your own happiness, you allow that space for someone to come in and just enjoy their company without this unspoken heaviness put upon their shoulders to be your source of endless joy on tap. I
I’ve been with that person guys. After my two really toxic relationships, I found this really nice guy. And the problem was that as nice as he was, as supportive as he was, as into me as he was, I was like the only thing that he was into. He didn’t have a relationship with anyone outside of his immediate household, which consisted of very nice, lovely people, really his mom, dad and his grandmother, but those were the only people that he had a relationship with. He didn’t have any outside interests, hobbies, anything, to the point that even talking to him was just very boring because he didn’t have any of these things outside of me that you know that we could be apart from each other and then come back together and talk about.
You don’t want that person and you don’t want to have the pressure of being that person for somebody else. I know, we romanticize that I’m sure you’ve said it once or twice, I’ve said it in the past, too, “I just want to be his everything”. Believe me, you don’t want to be someone’s everything. And you don’t want someone to be your everything. Because now you’re not dealing with love. You’re not building a relationship. You’re dealing with a chemical addiction. And the idea of someone else getting their hands on your natural high, okay, can make you a little bit. I don’t want to say crazy, but it can make you a little bit off. It can make you fall off from the things like chasing your goals and the things that you really should be doing.
So get the idea of wanting someone who, who completes you out of your head, and look for someone who has mastered the art of completing them selves. Bam! That is the ticket right there! If you find someone who just knows how to complete themselves, the relationship is going to be enjoyable. And if you’re both at that point, it’s going to be epic. That’s when you can really have fun in a relationship.
And it’s a huge reason why my husband and I go strong. And we bump heads, we bump heads, I have moments where I could absolutely just scream at the top of my lungs. But we came together at a time where we knew how to make ourselves happy. And unapologetically at that. You should never feel like you have to apologize for being able to make yourself happy. And you should never expect someone to apologize to you or to feel bad that they have other sources outside of you, that make them happy. We had our separate hobbies and interests. We had our mutual and separate friends. And we enjoyed being active. So we looked and felt great. There was there were no major insecurities nagging at either of us.
He loved that I lock myself in his bedroom and study for my exams and take care of my business. He saw my goals. I made them obvious. When it was time to pursue my goals I drew my my red lines and said, “I can’t do anything right now. Don’t bother me right now we’ll come back together at this time”. And because we both had things and people outside of each other, that made us feel fulfilled. We gave each other space without the keeping score bullshit that is similar to like what Melissa Gorga was talking about.
Fourth Mental Shift For Love
Now, the fourth and final for the purpose of this episode, the fourth and final mental shift that I made, which took me from settling for toxic relationships, to getting the absolute best quality of guys chasing me was breaking up with the self limiting belief that being alone is somehow pathetic. These invisible rules like if you’re not married by a certain age, if you’re not in a serious relationship, headed toward marriage and 2.5 kids by a certain age, somehow you’re losing life. Somehow your experiences won’t count. If you don’t have someone to share them with. If you see something that makes you laugh your ass off, you won’t laugh as hard. If you don’t have a significant other, they’re laughing along with you. Your emotions and your opinions won’t be as valid. If there’s not a significant other there to bear witness to them.
And let me tell you something that is such a dangerous self-limiting belief system and false truth system to get into the idea that you have to share your life with a significant other. You can share your life with so many different people; your friends, your family. You can share your life with few people or no one. It is okay. There is no one way to experience your life. There is no one way, no right or wrong way to have your human experience. But I tell you what can happen and what did happen to me in buying into that limiting belief that life is only worth living and experiences are only worth having If they are shared with a significant other. What happens is (and I put this in, in my book), it opens you up to being able to do all sorts of mental and emotional acrobatics and contortions to turn someone who on their best day might rate on a scale of one to ten (one being shit and 10 being like amazing). On their best day might rate at a three or a four. And you will turn that three or four into a hard core, can’t be taught down nine for the sake of proving that self-limiting belief and that false truth. Not proving anything to them, but silencing them.
“See I have my significant other now my life means something. Now my life is more enjoyable. Now these moments are more precious”. So that is a huge danger that you open yourself up to just like I did, in turning a three on their best day to a stunning nine. And having everyone look at you like “okay, girl, if you say so. You must see something there, you know, you’re the one in the relationship so I guess you see things in him or her that you know, we don’t see at all”.
So that was the fourth and I if if I had to guess in my opinion, it was the most significant the heaviest difference maker in what moved me from being that human doormat to having the relationship that I always that I actually never knew was available or or possible, I should say. I never knew that it was possible to have a completely healthy relationship with somebody else. A relationship where, “oh, you’re gonna go do this. Okay, great. Have fun. I’ll see you later”. You know, and maybe at the most they shoot your text. “Hey, thinking of you, Miss you, I hope you’re having a great time”.
And you know, I’ve been that girl that on the way to going to my friend had to be on the phone with my boyfriend. While I was there, I would be texting back and forth with him and then on the way back, be on the phone with him. And if I God forbid, stopped at the grocery store or made some sort of pitstop where now I’m being thrown 15 to 20-minutes off of the time that I guesstimated I would be home, all hell would break loose. And I wouldn’t know what kind of temper tantrum, you know, or what kind of mantrum I was going to be dealing with when I walked in the door.
That is the most significant mental shift that I made. Silencing the self-limiting belief just by calling bullshit on it, not by just accepting anything and anyone within a five-mile radius to shut down that self-limiting belief. So with that said, I am going to leave you with three questions that are going to force you to think a little bit more and dig a little bit deeper into your self awareness. And again, you can write these down if you’re someone who’s into journaling, you know, I’m huge on reflective journaling. So it can be intimidating looking at a blank piece of paper. At the end of all of my solo episodes on my podcast where I’m not doing an interview, you will get 1-3 of these nuggets that will help you explore your yourself.
So in regard to this idea of of dropping everything that you’re doing, to be available to amuse another person. The first question is this. What are you holding yourself back from? What could you be doing? If you didn’t feel like you had to physically be present, to stroke that other person’s ego to entertain that other person? And make a list of things that you could be devoting your time and your energy to. And a second question or a second part to that question is, what would your life look and feel like? If you actually did devote your time and your energy to those things? How would they be difference makers in your life? What could change for you, if you shifted that focus from him or her to that goal or those goals? Okay, so that’s like question one and two, or question one with like a Part A and Part B, however, you want to break that down.
Next thing I want you to kind of ponder is, what is it? What is the self limiting belief system or the false truth that you might subscribe to, that perhaps you hear a lot of your your people that you surround yourself with repeating. So if you’re in a group of women that says, Oh, it’s an evitable, that all relationships end up in cheating, or with the guy or your significant other cheating on you, you are going to be a lot more likely to end up in a relationship that doesn’t work for many different reasons. Number one, maybe you do attract the person who’s a cheater, because that’s kind of what you’re expecting, anyway, right? Or perhaps you become the cheater. Because if you’re expecting it to happen to you, I know a lot of people, especially when we were younger, that would just say, you know what, I’m not going to be the fool, I’m going to beat them to the punch. And since it’s going to end up that way anyway, Hell, I might as well be the one doing it. Right? So what false truths or self limiting belief systems could you possibly be subscribing to whether it’s consciously or subconsciously, in regards to relationships, or in regards to the idea of being alone versus being part of a couple? What might you be subscribing to? And how might it be holding you back in your relationships, or from other goals and things that you can be pursuing in life?
And the last question, or thing that I would have you kind of explore is, what is it that you want from yourself, that you feel like you’re frequently looking for your significant other to put onto their shoulders? Is it that you want to feel more confidence, but you don’t know what to do to make yourself feel more confident. So you just want someone to come along. And you know, say all these lovely sounding things to you and blow as much smoke up your ass as they can manage to make you feel more confident. Because I’ll give you an example.
I went from one really bad long term narcissist abuse relationship for 11 years, from about the age of 16 to 28. I went from the frying pan, as they would say, into the fire, where the next relationship though was a bit shorter, was even more dangerous. It was an actual domestic violence situation. And I didn’t take much time or any time really in between those two relationships. Why? Because part of the reason is my confidence was so damaged and my self-esteem and my self love, were so damaged from that first relationship, even though I did have some epiphanies. And I had started making some breakthroughs. I wasn’t yet at the point where I was walking the talk and walking those realizations out.
So that second relationship, I was basically saying, “Please come, come and prove everything that this guy over here, you know, said about me and made me feel please prove him wrong. Instead of taking it upon myself, to take the responsibility to build myself up. I was still looking for someone else to do that for me. You know, he said, I’m not sexy. Please come and desire me, want me Don’t be able to keep your hands off of me. He said that I’m not smart. Please come and tell me how you know how amazing it is to have a conversation with me how I offer you such amazing perspective”, you know?
So that’s what I want you to kind of chew over and that’s what I’m leaving you with for today. If you liked this episode, please give it a share. I know that you have a friend or two that can use this information and that would appreciate the conversation. So give it a share, give it a like leave a review because that always helps other people there are so many podcasts out there. So reviews always help someone you know, take a chance on me and I would be so appreciative of that. Connect with me on on Instagram at personal growth lifestyle, and DM me anything that you might want me to cover. Any questions that you might have. I’m going to get to a point where I start putting questions on the air. I’m going to take one question and cover it in my solo podcast episodes. So if you want a chance for your question to be read and answered by me, please shoot me a DM at personal growth lifestyle on Instagram, and I will get to it!
So, I am Lisa Latimer and I’m helping you make personal growth part of your lifestyle. I will talk to you next week be good.
Are you ready to become your most valuable asset book a free chat with me at Lisa latimer.com from there you can grab my Amazon bestseller Who the fuck are you? Increase self-awareness to gain clarity silence fear and create fulfillment in life in business. You can also check out my courses, self aware goal setting and speak it into existence with more courses to come. I’m Lisa Latimer and I’m helping you make personal growth part of your lifestyle.