Mothers Breaking Generational Traumas

She's So Boss Mindset
She's So Boss Mindset
Mothers Breaking Generational Traumas
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SUMMARY KEYWORDS

mother, shaking, body, trauma, life, healing, wound, children, suppress, anxiety, feel, radical, parents, hear, dynamic, create, conscious choices, stress, care, happened

SPEAKERS

Lisa Latimer, Christa Bevan

 

Lisa Latimer  00:00

So today’s guest is a truly amazing woman who has actually inspired me and my own journey through motherhood tremendously. Christa Bevin offers trauma-informed wellness services for mothers who are doing things differently. Her work centers around her concept of dynamic self-care, which runs a lot deeper, than the spa days, and the bubble baths and the chocolates and the things like that. Krista goes way beyond that. And I personally can’t recommend her enough. So Krista, thank you so much for joining us today. Well, thank you, Lisa. And thank you for that beautiful introduction.  From the first time that we spoke everything that you talk about just it resonates so deeply for me, not just as a mother, but also as a coach. And so many of the things that I talk about myself, your dynamic self-care approach is comprised of these three must-haves. So, can you tell us about what these layers are and a little bit more about your, concept of dynamic self-care?

 

Christa Bevan  00:34

SSure. So let me first start by saying what dynamic self-care is, right? Because this is a term that I made up. And I made it up to differentiate it from what I call Pinterest style, self-care. So the stuff that you were listing off earlier, it’s the things that look good and feel good in the moment, but are not necessarily caring for yourself and nurturing yourself on a deeper level. Right. So if you actually look at what self-care means, or at least what it meant, Originally, it was about setting yourself up so that you were prepared to handle the stress of life, right. And so things like bubble baths, don’t always do that they don’t always get at the root cause of something that is creating that stress in the first place.  So for me, dynamic self-care is really finding an approach that allows you to do that. And for me, things need to be mom-friendly, or else they are going to happen. Right? So if they’re not, right, yeah, exactly. So dynamic self-care is something that you integrate into your life, it’s a way of living your life, rather than something that you have to go do as a separate standalone activity. Because let’s face it, I don’t have time to always take a bubble bath, or go get my nails done, or, you know, all of these things now that I’m a mother,

 

Lisa Latimer  03:10

right, exactly.

 

Christa Bevan  03:12

So dynamic self-care for me is made up of three pillars, which are self-awareness, self-love, and self-compassion. And these are really interconnected, you can start with any of them, though, I find that self-awareness is usually the best place to start.

 

03:31

I sort of describe it, like, think about like injuring yourself and having a wound, right. So the first thing you need to do is notice the wound, see where the bleeding is coming from, right? That’s sort of where self-awareness comes in. And then you need to treat the wound, you need to do something about it. And that’s what self-love is, when you offer yourself self-love. It’s like medicine for yourself. Right? It’s it’s healing for that injury that you’ve noticed. Yeah. And then from there, that that wound that you might have experienced can turn into a scar and you can move forward from a place of that scar instead of an active fresh wound. And that’s what self-compassion is about, right? So it’s about taking what you’ve healed, right? And continuing it not only for yourself but then also being able to offer that out to others around you.

 

Christa Bevan  04:26

And in this way, dynamic self-care is not selfish. Do we still hear that all the time? self-care is selfish self-care, so and I think that’s BS. And I know it to be BS. Yeah. Because I’ve seen in my own life, how the more I’ve healed it’s allowed me to show up with more patience and more presence in my life, but also with people in my life and affect them as well. It’s improved their quality of life, as it’s improved mine.

 

Lisa Latimer  04:55

Absolutely. And I love how you describe it and the way that you go into how self -awareness and the self-love how that is so interconnected and how they work so intricately together you know I think that today because we’re always so hurried, we have this idea of healing that looks more like throwing bandages on these gaping wounds that require this precision and type of healing that you’re talking about. And then that’s why we’ll feel like okay now we’re taking two steps forward but then you take three stumbles backward because we’re always engaging in that kind of surface bandage-healing as opposed to getting in there and really getting to the origin of that wound so that’s one of the reasons i so appreciate what you’re doing because you’re telling us listen, it’s okay it’s not selfish get in there and get yourself healed not just for your own personal benefit but for everyone around you who you touched his benefit.

 

Christa Bevan  06:00

Exactly. Well , for me my big motivation is that I’m a mother and that I don’t want my son to have to deal with my own unresolved wounds because let’s face it as an adult and even as a child frankly I had to deal with the unresolved wounds of my parents and so i knew very early on and long before i became a mother that that was going to need to be my work to disrupt those cycles right I sort of see generational trauma and generational wounding as being like wildfire that runs through the course of a family’s lineage until someone says no and acts as a firebreak between my parents and my son and that’s how I’ve sort of seen my role you know i sort of described this as being a radical mother this is a radical act of mothering myself while also mothering my child to disrupt these wounds and stop them from continuing Right. It really allows you to take this conscious,, mindful approach to self-healing and healing your own wounds but to also then just being conscious and mindful about how you pass those things on whether it’s through self-talk and how you talk to your children.

A lot of times we don’t realize how our own self-limiting beliefs and the false truths that we’ve taken in as a result of how we were raised kind of just flow out of us in different ways and at different times. You know, certain things that will trigger them that our children will do and these things just flow out, so the idea of being able to pause and to care for your own wounds so that you’re not, in essence, creating fresh ones for somebody else I think that that’s really it’s ironic that someone would say that it’s selfish because that’s really that’s anything but selfish Yeah. I think it’s selfish not to do that right yeah to continue on and let your issues become your child’s issue that’s more selfish than doing the work yourself Absolutely, and you know so many times i’ve actually heard parents say well you know what if that’s the way I was raised or it was good enough for me and was it really good enough for you because, you know the survey says from what I’ve seen, it’s really not! And you just don’t want to put in that work. It’s work let’s be honest it is work yeah it’s such worthwhile such a worthy to be able to stop generational trauma i mean that you’re saving generations worth of people that you haven’t even met yet .

That’s powerful  It is powerful and also just to say to this doesn’t always have you know we hear the word trauma hmm and that’s the work that i do right I’m in the trauma healing space so for me i understand the nuance of that word but sometimes that word gets used culturally and we think oh you must mean like big t trauma something terrible and tragic that happened in your childhood that you’re preventing from being passed on but it can be so much more than that it can there’s so much more nuance and how some of these things are inherited and passed down it can be things as simple and i say simple in quotes here as limiting beliefs are things that hold you back from living your best biggest brightest life right and that was sort of the realization that i had when i first started putting all of this this together to do this work is that you know it’s the universal wish of mothers everywhere we want our kids to have a better life right every mother everywhere can agree with that yes and what i started realizing was missing from that is that we can’t give back If we don’t have better, because we know our kids are watching our behavior, as much as they’re listening to our words more, if not more than listening to our words. And so if we want our kids to have self-respect, if we want our kids to feel worthy, if we want our kids to love themselves, if we want our kids to show up in their lives as their biggest, brightest, best selves, but we aren’t doing that, how are they going to learn those things? And the answer is they’re not. So that means if we want that for them, we actually have to have that for ourselves. First, yeah, that’s where

 

Lisa Latimer  10:40

That’s what it means to mother radically is to understand that until then live from that place of modeling what we want for our children. Right, other than just hoping that they get it society isn’t going to hand you self-worth. No, society isn’t going to hand you loving yourself that you need to you need to be taught and shown that. And I think that that’s our job as mothers and as parents to do that for our children. Yeah. And we can’t do that for them if we don’t know how to do it for ourselves. Exactly. And I find it rather remarkable, because I feel like you and I, we kind of come from that generation that was the do is I say not as I do generation. And so the fact that so many of us are waking up and going in the complete opposite direction of, you know, let me get my stuff together. And let me show my children that I’m getting my stuff together. And, and let me lead by example. And no, this wasn’t okay. You know, the way grandma and grandpa didn’t wasn’t necessarily okay with certain things. And let’s do it a different way. I feel like that’s such a huge jump from one generation, you know, that I just I give us Pat’s on the back.

 

Christa Bevan  11:59

It’s a huge shift to make. It is and I you know, I think that, like you just said, it’s worth patting yourself on the back for write this. And I believe in celebration, I believe in really embracing this idea that this is not easy work. It isn’t for everyone, if it were, our parents would have done it, we wouldn’t be in this position in the first place. Right. So we deserve credit for that parenting in general is hard enough. But parenting your child, while also re-parenting, your inner child is even harder. This is not for the faint of heart. And I don’t want to I don’t want to mislead anyone that this is easy. But at the same time, it’s not easy to watch your children struggle. It’s not right. And so would you rather have them do the work or you do the work? I would rather take it on, I would rather protect my son in that way by taking on the brunt of this hard work. And letting him you know, have other things that he has to face. But not this. If I can do that, as his mother I will have. I will have one I will have succeeded in my job, right. That’s how I see it.

 

Lisa Latimer  13:11

Yeah, it’s like that saying, like, pick your heart. You know, it’s hard to stumble over the same things constantly. And then watch your children start to stumble over those very same things. And it’s also hard getting it together, and re-parenting yourself. But then seeing like, okay, it’s going a bit smoother for my kid as they grow up. So, you know, you pick your heart, essentially, you know,

 

Christa Bevan  13:35

yeah, exactly. So something that you talk about that really has me fascinated. So you’re actually certified as a tr E, which is tension and trauma releasing exercises. And you’re also a trauma-informed yoga instructor. I am so fascinated with how you came to be kind of drawn to those, and how do you use them, you know, in your own life, and how do you use them with clients? Yeah, so the way that I was drawn to them was out of necessity. And I so essentially what happened a little bit of my story is that I had my first panic attack when I was 12. And I dealt with anxiety. I used to say anxiety and I on a first-name basis, and I did all the things. I did all the therapy, I did all the medication, I did all the talking, I did everything I did change my lifestyle, I did everything you’re supposed to do to deal with anxiety and get rid of panic attacks, and nothing was working. I had some relief, but I didn’t have anything that actually felt like resolution for these issues.

And I couldn’t accept that this was just my fate in life to just deal with this forever. And I actually I got to the point I remember saying to my husband at the time, I was going to therapy, talk therapy. And I remember saying to my husband, I don’t feel like I have anything left to talk about. Like I go to therapy every week, but I don’t have any, like I’ve worked through the issues that are, that can be talked about. But I’m still having these things like what’s going on. And it hit me I had this realization, I didn’t have anything left to talk about because it wasn’t in my head, the symptoms were in my body. And I realized that that meant the resolution also needed to be in my body, and I had not been including my body in the conversation on healing.  And so once I had that epiphany moment, I sort of threw it out to the universe, I was at a point of despair. And I said, Alright, I get it. Now, you made yourself loud and clear, I need to work with my body.

So show me the way, right. And as the universe works in its mysterious ways, I happen to live in town with a therapist, who is a tra provider, who trains care providers. And so I found this modality. And essentially, it’s a body-based system for releasing tension and trauma that’s been stored in your body. And I practiced for the first time, I realized every panic attack I have ever had, was this process trying to happen in my body.  So what TRE is doing is it’s tapping into this innate shaking mechanism that your body has. So your nervous system when it senses danger, and becomes overloaded with the threat of danger, needs to discharge that once the danger is over. And one of the ways that you can do that will actually let me back up so we all know a fight or flight, right? We’ve all heard of those. Yeah, when you do those, and you actually complete fighting or fighting, right? You discharge that stress, you use up those stress hormones that flooded your system, right, at whatever threat appeared. The problem is most of us are not fighting or fighting our boss, or traffic or COVID, or any of the other stressors of life that we face. And instead, what happens is that stress builds up and accumulates in our body and leaves us feeling in chronic pain, it leaves us having anxiety, it leaves us suffering from insomnia, right? All of these different things, you know, and there’s lots of other things that it can do to us. And so tiare, the shaking is one of the ways that your body can discharge stress.

 

Lisa Latimer  17:33

And we know you’re bringing it on yourself, you’re kind of doing the work that your body is, it’s doing it in other ways, like you said, the insomnia. So instead of the insomnia, you’re inducing kind of like the shaking, it’s again, yeah,

 

Christa Bevan  17:48

yeah. So yes, exactly. So what I do when I work with clients is I lead them through a series of exercise, physical exercises, we’re moving the body, right, right. And because I have a background as a yoga teacher, for me, their yoga postures, I put it, I put it together, but yoga was a natural pairing for me. And we fatigue certain muscle groups, we stretch certain muscle groups in the body. And then we do certain exercises that done in combination, start the shaking. And so I like to tell clients that I we’re not learning how to shake weight, remembering how to shake, okay? Because our body already knows how to do this. Most of us have actually felt the shaking, or we’ve seen the shaking in other people or in other mammals, actually, all mammals can do this. So if you have ever seen a dog shaking and a thunderstorm, yes, yeah, that quiver shaking, right, Ah, that’s this sort of same tremor mechanism that we’re tapping into. You might have experienced it if Well, maybe not you and I because I don’t think we’re afraid of public speaking. But if anyone’s listening, and is afraid of public speaking, and your hands start shaking, You think, Oh, I’m just scared. And there is some truth to that you are, you are scared of doing it. But really, what’s happening is that your body’s trying to calm you down. by shaking.

Lisa  Latimer I experienced this on a level that I have never experienced it before. About a year and a half ago, when my husband had his stroke. He was in the hospital. It was like those critical first, like 48 hours. And, uh, you know, because I guess I was in charge of certain things, you know, certain decisions, they called me to ask me something, but it was already 11 o’clock at night. And me and the kids were laid down, and they didn’t get right to the point initially, when I picked up the phone, when I tell you that I experienced a shaking from the top of my head to my toes. That I mean, it was a shaking that was uncontrollable, if I am surprised I didn’t move across the floor. Um, it was I was helpless to it. It was just it just happened.  It’s that’s powerful.  If that’s what that feels like that is so powerful. It is.

Christa Bevan: And so what happened in that example? That your that you’re talking about is that you’re about you couldn’t help but shake. Right? You would not have been able to stop that if you wanted. And that’s because that threat was a break the phone rings and your heart stops because you think that it must be something bad. Right? Right, right. And so your body’s responding with that shaking.  What happens when we do TRE is that we are controlling that shaking, so that it’s not scary. So that is not overwhelming. So that’s why we do self-regulation. And that’s why we learn that right so that we are in conscious control of this subconscious process so that we can turn it on and turn it off and also control it so that it’s not getting to be that sort of overwhelming, like what you experienced.  And and most of us have, you know, maybe we’ve experienced it when, you know, times that there’s been like a minor fender bender, right, and you’ve and you shake or even when you hear sirens are you pulled over and you’re shaking? Yeah. And your body is just again, trying to discharge the cortisol and adrenaline that’s running through your body. But oftentimes, what happens is that in our society, we see that shaking as weakness, we see it as fear, we see it as vulnerability, and so we learn to suppress it, and we learn to stifle it. In fact, I was talking to someone Oh is talking to a nurse, who was saying that they’re trained when someone is shaking like that, after a shock, trauma, right? To put blankets on them to try to warm them up. But they’re not shaking because they’re cold. And so they’re taught to interrupt this process, which actually does more damage than if they were to just the shaking again, it’s not that you’re cold, you’re but you’re not this is different than shivering, it’s sort of shivering like, you know, movement has nothing to do with being cold.

 

Lisa Latimer  21:54

That’s such an odd way of dealing with it,

 

Christa Bevan  21:57

Right? Because it will, right, because they’re like, Oh, this person shaking them must be cold, we need to warm them up. We need to keep them warm, which you know, I guess I can understand the logic behind that. But that’s not what’s happening. And instead, it’s doing more damage. Because then when that adrenaline and cortisol is staying in your body, that causes damage, right?  Our bodies are designed to handle spikes of adrenaline and spikes of cortisol, right? sort of think about it like this, if you know, diabetes, and how that works is that your blood sugar is staying too high, and that you can’t self regulate your blood sugar. Right? Right. Blood Sugar is supposed to spike after you eat. It’s not supposed to stay high. Diabetes happens when it stays too high for too long, and your body loses control of that regulation process. Right? Exactly.  Chronic stress happens when adrenaline and cortisol stay too high for too long. They’re designed in your body to spike, but then also to come down aching brings them back down when they stay elevated chronically. That’s when chronic inflammation happens. That’s when chronic disease happens. That’s how stress snowballs into and manifests as physical disease, let alone the mental symptoms that can happen from stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression,

 

Lisa Latimer  23:16

Exactly things I was just gonna say to you or ask you because I know I have a couple of clients who deal with high functioning anxiety. And two of them got to a point where their adrenals are just shot. Fried. Yeah, so I was gonna say I’m sure that that’s something. I don’t know, if you have any clients that deal with high functioning anxiety. And they just, you know, they take on more work and they’re, you know, they’re a game is like most people’s like C game and they’re always at that level A. So it would be so interesting to see what types of results and how they feel doing the TR e that must be such an enormous relief for their bodies.

 

Christa Bevan  24:00

Yeah, it absolutely is. And that was essentially who I was, was high functioning anxiety. Right. And it just it for me, it It brought the sense of relief that I knew must exist, but could never quite get within my grasp, right and it made it so that my anxiety is completely under control. This is not to say that my anxiety never flares up. And now I know exactly how to deal with it and to stop it. And in since starting my TRT practice, it’s been six years now I think at least six years, I have not had a single panic attack since

 

Lisa Latimer  24:39

that’s remarkable.

 

Christa Bevan  24:41

I mean, if that’s not enough, like, Yeah, of how powerful this is. Because and this is why is because my body has not needed to, because I don’t ever get to that point. And also, like I think I said earlier, I read realized that every panic attack that i had ever had was actually my body trying to discharge this stress and this tension but i didn’t understand what was happening and so i suppressed it and the more that i fought back the more that it created this volatile situation where instead of these therapeutic tremors coming out it was this explosion of panic and this dysfunctional expression of a stress discharge You know and you just said something so important right there like you talk about suppressing and isn’t that kind of what we’re just taught to do like that’s just what society expects us to do with just saying is suppress suppress suppress suppress your hunger suppress your emotions you know suppress your excitement don’t be too excited about certain things like we’re almost kind of beat to death with this idea that we have to be on this even keel balance all the time and we’re taught to suppress just about everything and so it’s really it’s no wonder that our bodies hold on to so much of that energy whether it’s a positive energy whether it’s a negative energy it’s got to go somewhere and i’m so impressed to that you came to that realization yourself where you’re like i have literally talked it out till that i’m running on empty i have nothing left to say that’s such an amazing connection and aha moment to have for yourself i have nothing left to talk about so it’s not in my head it’s in my body and that and that’s exactly what happens with so much of what goes on with us emotionally it goes on physically as well and we don’t tend to look at the physical the way of dealing with the physical ramifications but just the mental and emotional ramifications so i really this is something that i’ve been wanting to read up more on for a long time and now that we’re actually talking about it i find it just fascinating it is and what’s so fascinating too and i’m glad that you brought up this idea of suppressing emotions because again this is one of those things where we hear trauma and you think well i haven’t had any trauma do i really need to do this but the reality is if you’ve been suppressing your emotions to any degree emotions you know we think of those as being a mental expression but really our emotions are felt in our body whether we realize that or not in fact and this is what i think is so fascinating is that they have done like body scans and i can’t remember if it’s mris or cat scan but they’ve done imaging i’ll say that they’ve done imaging on people feeling different emotions and then looking at their body and you can see how different emotions register in the body differently wow so your body is having a response to emotion in ways that we don’t often realize and so then when you think about suppressing that well then you’re not just suppressing it in your mind you’re also suppressing it in your body and so the trp works for people whether they’ve experienced big t trauma little t trauma or if they’ve just lived in the world in modern society right because all of us have some degree of of suppression that really can benefit from being released and merge through our system and i love the idea too of just getting back into into this the state of connectedness with your physical state because so often we hear okay go work out go to the gym go take care of your physical health and that way i feel like that’s obviously not for everyone and i feel like this is an amazing modality to learn along with the yoga to help people get in touch again get that connectedness with their physical self so krista you also have started an amazing space on facebook called the radical mother village that supports moms disrupting cycles of trauma kind of what we’ve touched on already now you went into what your definition of kind of what being a radical mother is what made you decide to want to kind of start a group but you must have had some sort of inkling that you couldn’t have been the only one out there that wanted to tackle this so had you already been in contact with women that were kind of already gravitating towards this idea of being a radical mother and being the the cycle breakers or was it something that you just did because maybe you wanted to create a space for yourself and it it’s grown you know incredibly Yeah, that’s a great question so i created the space that i needed for myself when i was first starting out on this journey of mothering radically so that was the most difficult painful miserable part of my experience was feeling overwhelmingly lonely do this wor and i knew that i could not be the only one doing it right and yet i didn’t see a lot of examples of other mothers doing it and in fact my journey of mothering radically actually even started before my son was born i knew that i needed to be doing this work ahead of entering into motherhood okay and so i really didn’t see examples of women doing that and so again i had this knowing that i couldn’t i couldn’t be alone in my loneliness right and i you know i figured if if it you know sometimes you got to build it yourself and so that’s exactly what i did and so i created this space because i the other thing too is that i have gotten to this point in my healing where i’m no longer interested in doing it alone and and that’s just it is that hyper individualism is a trauma response. And i think that when we try to heal ourselves alone yes it’s not as effective right trauma happens in relationship with others and healing happens in relationship with others and when you’re doing that work in the safe space of like minded women yeah to support you and hold you and validate you and give you that sense of belonging that we all so desperately crave yes it amplifies the work it accelerates the work and it creates this dynamic where it’s mutually beneficial right and so i continue to facilitate this group because i’m getting as much out of it as the as the women in the group are right and i talked to your in the group and i talked to you and i talked to all these other mothers who were in there who i know that this has just been the thing that has given them so much support that they’ve death again desperately needed and so i understand you know i know that there’s a value in this and i just i continue to see it in the feedback that i get from people and what i experienced myself and that’s that you know we need a village mothering is is not supposed to be done alone and we need to change that i want that to change for you for me for all the mothers in the group for the mothers everywhere i want i want us to remember that and to actually live from that place instead of just complaining about it honestly i want i’m the kind of person where i see a problem i want to do something about it so this is my answer to doing something Exactly, and you know it’s funny you say that too because i’ve never been that mother at pickup or you know amongst my other mom friends who wants to just take part in the usual bitch and whine and complain session of you know how miserable or hard certain days are you know it’s okay to say that once in a while but i’ve been in you know i’ve watched my mother and the groups of friends that she had and where it’s just you know how can you even get ahead when you’re just around people who are they’re forming this kind of camaraderie from misery not being in a good place you can’t really rise above and be at the level that you want to be with your own self healing and with your own radical mothering if you’re around people who are just running in circles themselves so with that kind of what do you think makes a difference between the idea of being a radical mother versus kind of traditional momming Yeah, so the way that i describe the women in the group and how people sort of find find our village is that they have this deep knowing in their bones that how they’re doing things is different and that takes a certain level of self awareness right to hear those messages from your intuition from your body from your gut that you aren’t interested in only having those other kinds of conversations not to say there’s not a place and a time and a place for bitching and talking about how frickin hard it is to be a mother right but they want something deeper yeah and they and they know that and so and you know and it’s also about making conscious choices it’s about consciously choosing the type of mother that you want to be it’s about consciously choosing to prioritize your own needs as a woman and as a mother it’s about making conscious choices that impact your quality of life and subsequently the quality of life of children and your family.  And I think that all of us radical mothers have that in common. And at the same time, I think we all need support in doing that, right? There’s strength and numbers. And when you feel like the black sheep in your family for doing things this way, or you feel like the black sheep in the playgroup with the other mothers who are not doing it this way it, you start to question yourself, you start to sort of second guess yourself. And it’s not that you’re doing it wrong, it’s that you’re not doing it with other like minded people. And again, this is why I think this, the sense of creating a safe container where we’re all on that same page, is so powerful, because it helps us to know to celebrate our worthiness, yeah, to step into our power and embrace these conscious choices that we’re making, even when we don’t see examples of in our real life, it anchors us in this mission, that again, we know so deeply in our bones that we can’t ignore, it gives us permission to heed the call of this can be done better, and I’m going to be the one to do it. That’s perfectly said. And I’m not a big joiner of Facebook groups, but I’ve been part of your group for a while now. And again, I enjoy so much participating in your group, and you’re so present in your group, and I thank you for that. You know, you’re so present and hands on and involved and you really do create that atmosphere in your group that says, you know, you’re not alone, you are definitely in the place with like minded women, we get it we’re doing this together, you know, and, and I love also about your your style, that it gives you your tone by giving like permission, you give us permission, I feel like to, to take care of ourselves.

 

Lisa Latimer  37:00

I’ve spoken to so many moms where they’re like, Well, you know, as soon as the baby comes, it’s not about you anymore, it’s about them. And with radical mothering, and also research that I had done for my book, they did a study. And they found that when therapists focused more on the parent, then the child or whatever perceived misbehavior was going on with the child, when they focused on the parent instead, and had the parent make certain changes. The problems work their way out by focusing on the parent. And you really get that and so you give permission to us radical mothers, work on yourself. Because in doing so you are doing you know, what’s right by your children.  And so often I feel like with traditional mothering, we get the complete opposite message. You know, all of your time, all of your energy, all of your focus your resources, it’s all about the kids now. And I think that that’s where sometimes you see these moms that have resentment when they start feeling empty themselves. I think a lot of it stems from that kind of traditional messaging of you know, what, suck it up, Buttercup, your baby’s here. And now, you this is where your life ends, and their life begins. Yeah, thank you.

 

38:24

That’s, it’s nice to know that the messaging is coming across the way that I wanted to. And you’re right, I do. I do think that. So I do not subscribe to the idea that a good mother is a good martyr. I call bs on that. Yes, that’s not that’s not what I signed up for. And it’s not what any other mother, any other radical mother, I know, signed up for either. Right.

 

Christa Bevan  38:49

And I think that so much of that resentment, and so much of that idea that, you know, this is where their life starts and our life ends, has arisen out of this loss of the village. Because it used to be that there were many hands and many hearts and many eyes to take care of our children collectively, right. And now instead, what’s happened is that mothers are being asked to take on the roles of the village. And in doing that we don’t have anything left for ourselves.  Yes, it’s preposterous to think that we can do that and do it well, and then have anything left over. And then if we continue to mother from this place of utter exhaustion and complete depletion, what is left to give to our children, right. It’s just like, I just don’t understand how anyone could see it as any other way than I need the support as well. I need to be mothered as much as my children need to be mothered. Yes, perfectly said and this message I actually cannot wait to share this episode because this message is so important, and we don’t get an enough of it so chris i want to thank you so much again for taking the time to be with us today and even though i’m gonna include it of course in the show notes let us know where we can find you and connect with you

 

40:10

Yeah, so you can find me on Facebook if you look for the radical mother village I have the virtual village that I facilitate on there you can also find more about TRE and how to work with me on my website which is kristabevin.com and then I also have a group coaching program which I am launching currently and then we’ll be launching again in the fall called the radical mother village inner circle and that’s designed for women who are resonating with this message and are ready to go even deeper than what we can do in a Facebook group and really have some good accountability and just doing this work hand in hand and heart and heart and and and supporting one another along the way

 

Lisa Latimer  40:56

So important that we support one another you are doing an amazing job of that Christa we’ll have you back again I’m sure

 

Christa Bevan  41:02

okay thank you Lisa it’s been a privilege to talk to you

 

Lisa Latimer  41:09

Are you ready to become your most valuable asset book a free chat with me at Lisa latimer.com from there you can grab my amazon bestseller who the fuck are you increase self-awareness to gain clarity silence fear and create fulfillment in life in business you can also check out my courses self-aware goal setting and speak it into existence with more courses to come I’m Lisa Latimer and I’m helping you make personal growth part of your lifestyle.

 

Connect with Christa Bevan here:

FB Group: The Radical Mother Village: supporting mothers disrupting cycles of trauma

The Radical Mother Village Inner Circle

Website

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