What Resentment Is and Where it Comes From

She's So Boss Mindset
She's So Boss Mindset
What Resentment Is and Where it Comes From
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Welcome to personal growth, lifestyle, real talk, real results. I’m your host, Lisa Latimer. Self-awareness facilitator, author, and battle-tested empath.

Emotions can be difficult to navigate campaigns. In fact, my coaching practice, and many, many others stay quite busy for this very reason.

Now, when you think about it, either yourself or your children, we really don’t learn too much about our emotions right? Outside of elementary school, when we’re taught how to identify the picture. Remember, the angry face the sad face, the happy face, the excited facial expression, and then maybe beyond that, we’re taught that being angry is okay, we learn that it’s okay to feel our angry. And we learned how to identify our mad, which is exactly how they phrased it when my kids were in school.

And if you haven’t checked out, and now this is kind of aging myself,
but I can talk about emotions without mentioning Sesame Street, the old school, Sesame Street, mad goat, the song and video I play it for my kids, even though they’re six and seven years old. And it goes something like this, and I can’t believe I’m about to do this. I get mad, I get mad, I get mad and ain’t mad to get mad.

So does go is in different situations with certain friends and they do something to piss him off. And he gets angry, and it says, you know, it’s okay to get angry.
If you’ve never seen this, I highly recommend that you go to YouTube and find the Sesame Street mad goat you won’t be disappointed!

Anyway, so back to what I was saying. No one really teaches us what to do when we feel certain emotions. And they sure as hell don’t teach us what to do when we are feeling multiple emotions, particularly when they’re conflicting emotions or when their emotions that were taught, really don’t fit the given situation. I’ll give you a perfect example. Say your friend comes up to you and he or she’s like, Oh, you know, I’ve been having amazing results with my side hustle, I can go full throttle on it. Now it’s going to become my side biz. I can quit my miserable nine to five, you know, and where you want to feel happy for your friend. And maybe you do initially. You kind of then start having these thoughts like well, why her or why him or kind of look and feel like jealousy, which you’re taught from the limited information that you taught about emotions is something that’s inappropriate to feel and that maybe even you’re a bad person for feeling when someone that you care about has achieved something that you know is awesome, and that you know, that they’re very happy about. So no one really teaches you how to handle that.

So today I want to walk you through what I find to be one of the trickiest emotions to navigate. It’s an emotion that once you cut through the weeds, you may not find what you expected on the other side of it. What’s this mystery emotion that is so complicated, has so many different moving parts and intertwining? That emotion is resent mint. So we’re going to tackle some of the moving parts within resentment. We’re gonna talk a little bit about where your resentment often stems from. We’re going to get into some of the stories that you may tell yourself about your resentment. And then last but not least, we’re going to get into the unexpected plot twist that you’re probably not going to see coming.

And I’m going to give you a fair warning. It may feel a little bit triggering when I get into that part. But I pride myself on being a straight shooter. And in order to get to a place where you know, you can be a battle-tested empath, where you can still feel for others and connect with others, but you can really take things as well. You
could swallow those hard pills, you have to deal with some uncomfortable possibilities, don’t you?

And I also want to offer you this alternative perception because I am huge on the fact that accountability is the fastest route to empowerment. You don’t have to rely on anybody else to acknowledge or give an apology or rectify any situation when you take accountability.
And don’t forget to stick around until the end because I am going to give you 123 thought-provoking questions that are going to scratch beneath the surface of your self-awareness. And they also make for great journaling prompts which you should be journaling by now, you know, I love and I’m a huge fan of reflective journaling. So this if you don’t know where to start with journaling, these questions are awesome jumping parts.

So let’s get into where resentment often comes from. So some psychologists consider it a mood, or secondary emotion. Wow. I don’t know about a mood because I don’t know about you. But I have been stuck in this mood for quite a long bit of time at certain points in my life.

It’s often triggered by some perceived unfairness, a humiliation, or wrongdoing. And it can also be brought about when you feel used, or taken advantage of having accomplishments or good intentions that go just completely unrecognized, just fall flat. Or perhaps when you’re feeling rejected or denied.

Now, there are often times when you will experience multiple emotions at once and we did touch on this. However, there can be so many moving parts within resentment, that I feel like it makes it more suffocating and difficult, but certainly not impossible. to maneuver through. That’s why I felt really cool to deal with this emotion on its own today.
Now, and this is going a little bit off-topic, not really off-topic, but a little a little to the left, but my husband, he can binge watch this show on Discovery, called Deadly Women.
And obviously, those are extreme examples of resentments taking a major, major wrong turn. But the reason I bring this show up is because if you watch just one episode of it, you can see this Molotov cocktail of emotions wreaking havoc on a person.

The shifting feelings of anger, jealousy, fear, and disappointment all being built upon layer by layer and shifting and moving at different points. And as you can guess by the name of the show deadly women, most of the episodes end up with somebody going over the edge, usually the person feeling extreme resentment, and someone ending up dead afterward. Not to scare you and make you think that you’re going to go off the deep end for feeling resentment, I all of us feel resentment at some point in time and don’t end up on an episode of deadly women, thankfully.

But if you want to get a really good idea when you watch some of these storylines, how someone can do something so horrible and grisly to someone who’s been good to them, to someone who has helped them or to someone who’s completely just innocent and doesn’t play any role in whatever perceived wrongdoing, that that person has experienced. It. You know, I do believe that there is a degree of you know, we can rationalize things away really easily, can’t we? So there is a degree where I feel like that is even more so when it comes to dealing with resentment.

And you see anger and jealousy, they can and are often experienced alone. And they don’t necessarily come with the same clusterfuck of emotional turmoil. That resentment tends to breed and come with.

Let’s say for example, there’s a situation where you’re seeing someone and
Maybe it was initially agreed upon, that it was going to be a casual kind of go with the flow thing with the possibility that maybe you’ll see where it goes in the future. How many of those have you either been involved with or heard about?

Those are all too common, I have to say, Now, maybe you catch feelings for this person, and the other person just continues on, perhaps they start telling you and dipping the toe in the water of, you know, the possibility that something is kind of happening that goes a little bit deeper and saying some things that they’ll know that you want to hear. But then they meet someone else, and they decide to break it off with you to be monogamous with that person.

I’d imagine there would be jealousy and anger toward the person that they decided to break it off with you for and who they also might have decided to give an official title to, whereas they wouldn’t give you an official title. But now, not only are they breaking it off with you, they’re giving this other person an actual title. Ouch.

I’m sure you would feel anger and resentment and maybe some embarrassment, toward the person that is now your former lover, right for feelings of having been led on to a degree and used even though it was understood initially, that this was going to be a casual thing.

You see your emotions, they don’t give a fuck about the terms of agreement and fine print that someone gave you before an interaction or in this situation. And entanglement.
Your emotions don’t necessarily want to be rationalized with especially in the heat of the moment when they first kick in. Which is why I always say, unpack that shit before you make a decision. Unpack it, sit with it, dig through it a little more. And when you’re in a place of calm and rationale, and everyone’s you know, timeframe for that may look a bit different Then, and only then should you make your move.

So they also don’t give a fuck if the person you feel resentment toward is a genuinely good person who actually has your best interest at hand. So that obviously wasn’t the case with this first example that I gave you. But in my book, I actually write about the resentment I went through that I directed toward my husband. When I left my career as a registered adult echocardiography technician. I thought I was gonna stumble over that.
I usually just say ultrasound technician. But no, I’ll let you know that I was actually registered and specialized in adult echocardiography. And I’m happy I was able to spit it out without stumbling!

And so I left that career while I was fairly fresh in it, and doing great in it, to stay home with our two children that we had back to back. And with that situation, you know, I’d finally gotten into a career and I tell you guys the story not to just talk about myself but because I know that this is so super common. So I had finally gotten into a career where I felt needed and like I was making a difference in people’s lives. Not only that, but my years of job-hopping and you know, like Lisa, what are you going to finally settle down into a career right? They were finally behind me and I had a professional job that got me respect and finally made me feel like I was worthy. worthy of sitting at the adult table and having adult conversations.

So that felt like it got snatched away from me so quickly. And to kind of rub a little salt in that wound. At that time we were in a small apartment in an overly crowded area and when I say overly crowded I cannot stress that enough. You know shared courtyard with like
50,000 other people that didn’t even have private gates, so everyone from that neighborhood would just use it as a shortcut through, use it as an area to walk their dogs and you know, off the leash and let them pee and crap anywhere that they please without picking it up. So when I tell you in this sounds a little dramatic, and I don’t tend to have that big of a flair for the dramatic, but when I tell you that that area that crowded, just, I don’t know, it just it choked me. It was a situation that violently disagreed with me and my need for elbow room.

And not to mention, I was far pretty far away from my close-knit community of family and friends. And no one was in a rush to come out there because it was a bitch to try and find parking and traffic was always a nightmare. So we’d taken on this apartment with the idea that we’d save money for a bigger place just for a couple of years. And we even laughed and joked about the idea of having kids in it. Well. Two toddlers, two cats, and one Pitbull later. I was a nightmare to deal with. And I fully own that shit. I was a disgusting human being at that time. I’m actually so shocked and pleasantly surprised that my husband and myself relationship made it through that time.

You know, so I couldn’t be the thing is that I was supposed to go back to work.
And just as I was going to go back to work, what happens, his job kicked into full gear. And I mean, he was exhausted, he was run ragged himself. But his job, his job kicked into mandatory overtime. So I couldn’t get back to work. So I, you know, unexpectedly became a stay at home mom, right at this height in my career, where I had accomplishments that people that were in this field for decades, weren’t able to achieve. Maybe it’s just because I’m a better test taker, or a better study or whatever.

So I kissed that should go by and then I was stuck in a place 24 seven because of being a stay at home mom, that I absolutely felt like an animal in the shittiest cage that I felt like I possibly could have had.

So was it that my husband had bad intentions towards me? Absolutely not. Did my emotions give a fuck about the fact that my husband loved me, loved his family, was working his ass off, and wanted to do things in such a way that we would be good? No, my emotions didn’t give a flying fuck about that. And chances are, neither do your emotions.

Now, here’s that possibly triggering alternative perception to resentment that I promised to share with you, even if it makes you say, “fuck you, Lisa”. But I promise you that there is empowerment in it.

So there are often times when the resentment that we feel towards others, is actually, now buckle up. Because this might feel like a kick in the crotch. It’s actually anger, misplaced anger, I’ll say that we feel toward ourselves for somehow letting ourselves down.

Maybe the situation is that we weren’t clear with ourselves or others about our needs. We didn’t communicate our needs or even realize them ourselves. Our needs wants or intentions. Were not clear to us and not made clear to others.
Maybe we didn’t draw or enforce boundaries. And I feel like women especially mothers, have a hard time with boundaries.

Then the lashing out that kind of comes inevitably almost. It falls onto whoever it is that we perceive to have benefited in some way for our failure to show up for ourselves as needed.
We’re master projectors, aren’t we? We are master projectors, but not so masterful with holding ourselves accountable.

And that is why I say you’re gonna be pissed off, you’re gonna feel like you got a sock to the gut hearing that. But like I said earlier, accountability puts the power back in your hands, your ability to write the perceived wrong is in your hands, you don’t have to wait on someone, because then that just adds a whole next layer to resentment doesn’t it? When we’re sitting there, thinking to ourselves, okay, this person is going to know it, they’re going to see it, then they’re going to recognize it, and then they’re going to make up for it.
We say this to ourselves. And we believe this shit.

And a lot of times, the other person might have no freaking clue as to the emotional shitstorm that is brewing up inside of you over this. So in this unflattering story that I just told you about myself, and the resentment that I had to deal with, and that unfortunately, I leashed I unleashed onto my husband for a good period of time, I’m not gonna lie wasn’t like six months or a year was a pretty good period of time.
Much of my anger stemmed from the regret that I had for wasting time and money on toxic people, toxic exes, in particular, for over a decade, rather than being as responsible as he had been his whole life and his whole working career.

How dare he, how dare my husband, want to make sure that we were in the best financial position possible, before buying our home? What an asshole!
And I say that facetiously. Now, I say that jokingly now, but the truth is, I sincerely felt like that at that time. So my emotions, you know, they felt valid at that time, and just like yours feel valid.

You know, like I said, I was going, I was gonna work around his schedule. But right into my third month or so back to work after having my firstborn, his job spun into mandatory overtime, not his fault. And it’s to get us into our home faster. But don’t think that I didn’t still find a way to blame him for what I perceived to be a sacrifice of a major source of feeling good about myself. Don’t think for a second that I didn’t pick fights with him and say shit, like, you get to socialize, you’re at work, you’re talking to other people, you’re having adult conversations, you’re doing something that makes you feel productive.

And there is some degree of truth to this, because I don’t want you to sit here all of my fellow stay at home moms, I don’t want you to sit here and think that I’m invalidating the fucking intense, the intense, and depressing at times, feeling of loneliness that comes with being a stay at home mom. Right? That shit is real.

And you are entitled to feel how you feel. And you are entitled to say what you need. But that’s actually what I’m encouraging you to do. Say what you need, acknowledge the feeling and then speak up about it. Don’t let that shit boil over into resentment. And that goes for any situation where resentment is going to be a potential outcome.

So with that horrific example.. you know, I’m telling my husband “you have your fun”, this poor guy, this poor guy would come home sometimes and his sleep for the for the night, quote, unquote, would be sleeping from 5 pm to 8 pm. And then going and doing the whole thing all over again. And that sleep was not even straight through. Like I doubt he even got into REM sleep. Because we were in a box. And our children at that time being toddlers there was no quieting them. There was no room upstairs, downstairs, or basement to run to, to say, Okay, let’s play down here because daddy is trying to catch up on sleep. So he doesn’t drive into a wall or sleep, walk on the job, and get really hurt.

So once again, resentment and feelings in general emotions they don’t give it
About rationalization, especially when you are in the thick of them and I was in the thick of that shit for about, gosh, three to four years. Yep, I said it three to four years relationship hanging on by a thread God bless. God bless it worked out. But
now I want to get into three thought provoking questions that are going to help you scratch the surface of your self-awareness and that make for great journaling prompts.

So number one, what situation are you currently in? or What relationship or friendship Are you currently having? That you feel the inklings of resentment building up towards? Maybe it’s starting off as a little bit of jealousy, maybe it’s starting off as a little bit of anger, right, those situations and relationships and friendships down. And keep it as kind of a side note as something to keep an eye on as it unfolds. Because the best way to deal with resentment is to attempt to nip it in the bud and deal with it before it becomes something that is like I said before this Molotov cocktail, that is going to just turn into an explosion.

Now there are some resentments that happen quickly, where someone just insults you or kind of, you know, borates you especially if it’s done in front of other people. In that case, nip it in the bud fast. Let it be known you did that shit to me once, it was inappropriate, it will never happen again.

Because oftentimes with resentment, the deepest wounds in resentment, they tend to stay and fester in us, when it’s on occasions in situations where we just take it, we just take whatever it was that caught us by the throat, and we don’t stand up for ourselves. You know, I did a blog post. And I’m gonna eventually do this as a podcast episode about the fact that there’s a fine line between being the bigger person and being a fucking doormat. And there’s a whole bunch of negative self-talk and, you know, self-fulfilling prophecies and self-limiting beliefs that will manifest when you feel like okay, I have to be the bigger person. But being this bigger person that society tells you, you have to be leaves you feeling like you’ve just gotten trampled all over. So be aware of that. That is a huge pitfall.

The second question or thing that I want you to sit with and think about is,
have I been conducting myself in any situations, relationships, friendships, in such a way that may be leading someone else to feel resentment toward me? Maybe you’re that person in that relationship that I talked about, where you’re you’ve entered a casual relationship with someone, but you’re getting a little comfortable with just having them be accessible, and not really acknowledging, respecting, or maybe not even giving a shit about their feelings and their emotions? Or you’ve convinced yourself that, Oh, well, you know, this person knew what it was at the beginning. So you know, my hands or my hands are cleared, my hands are clean up this shit.

I’m telling you right now that when we think about these types of things, we have to think about them from two different perceptions. Because you can cause some of the very things that you’re working so hard to grow from and to heal from.

Now, it might be a situation where you’re that person that is out there working and busting your ass and you feel like Well, my significant other is home, you know, maybe home with children or maybe not, but my significant other is home. You know, I would love to be in their situation.

But when you grow in your emotional intelligence, you understand that communication is always necessary, even when you perceive the other person to be in what you would consider a desirable situation. So always be checking in. Always keep those lines of communication open. Always ask questions. I tell you the heart of my coaching practice. And the reason why at the end of my podcast episodes where it’s just me, that I asked you guys questions is because when you ask questions, you dig, you dig, you dig and you get deeper into things, and you wind up uncovering so much so many valuable gems to work with. So get into a habit of asking your significant other questions, and having conversations and communicating.

Because that Rosie situation, if you’re, if you’re familiar with the comedian, Bill Burr, my husband and I get such a kick out of him. He has this one routine where he sits there and says, you know, you’re a stay at home mom, you’re living the fucking dream. You get to be in your pajamas all day, you’re playing hide and seek, you’re putting a DVD in for the kids.
You’re sending them to bed early on some bullshit trumped-up charges.
He’s a little rough around the edges, but he is actually really hilarious.

You know, that might be your perception of what the other person’s situation is. But the reality is, is that they are processing that situation on a whole different processing system than what you are. So always be checking it. So that is what I’m leaving you with today. If you liked this episode, if you feel like there is someone else in your life that could get something from it, please do give it a share, and helps me a ton. Give it a Like if you’ve listened to this episode, and maybe others please write a review. It helps others take a chance and give it a listen. Because you know there are so many podcasts out there right now. Everyone in their mother is coming out with a podcast. So it definitely helps that you write a review and give others the confidence in me that you have trusted me with. And I deeply appreciate it.

So that is it for this episode of personal growth lifestyle. I will check you on next week’s episode, which is actually going to be a really fun episode. I did one episode before this every now and again. I like to kind of dip into what’s going on in popular culture. And I’m a little late on this one, I admit, just like I was a little late on the Kanye West one that I did a little while back, but it is going to be a fun and interesting conversation. And it’s going to be based off of the situation that happened with Alec Baldwin’s wife Hilaria Baldwin and her kind of embarrassing, “I’m from Spain” routine.
So I’m gonna have myself and my girlfriend two multicultural women talking about the importance of self-awareness and kind of how we can get a little messy like it did in Hilary Baldwin”s situation when you’re, you know wanting to appreciate a culture but you take it just a little bit too far. So make sure you tune in next week for that episode. So until then be well. This is Lisa Latimer and I am helping you make personal growth part of your lifestyle.

Are you ready to become your most valuable asset book a free chat with me at Lisa latimer.com from there you can grab my Amazon bestseller Who the fuck are you?! Increased self-awareness to gain clarity silence fear and create fulfillment in life in business. You can also check out my courses, self-aware goal setting and speak it into existence with more courses to come. I’m Lisa Latimer and I’m helping you make personal growth part of your lifestyle.

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